I have not talked about this. Life has been very difficult. I'm not talking about lately or due to recent this or that. Just simply difficult. I have never been on the street starving. I have never had a gun to my head. A lot of really bad things have never happened to me. Some bad things have. I apologize to anyone who has had misfortune in life.
I'm talking about mental and emotional state. It's hereditary here. I mean I can't possibly know how other family members feel or have felt. I don't assume to know that. A big fucking terrible weight to carry around? A demon in me that squeezes my true self from coming out? I'm not just a really shy person. There is a really deep colorful creative person here. But fear has gripped me hard for so long. Afraid to do or try. To put it simply. Will I always be like this? Booze, beer works in the moment that you are under it's influence. But it doesn't work. It doesn't work. Love or relationships with women have brought joy and excitement. But never truly meaningful because I have not been able to allow myself to trust fully. I was there in body but not much else, so I assume there is more to get out of a good loving relationship. I can't sleep well. That's what I should be doing now. What do I even want? I like this, writing. Like I said I'm creative. Maybe you know that. I love to make music. I like making things.
I feel better than I did when I was a teenager. I feel better than I did when I was drinking. But I do miss that escape. It's not worth it. This pandemic has been easy. I stay in anyway. I always wanted something extraordinary. A famous musician artist actor something. The fame isn't what I think would satisfy me. It would be the freedom and time spent making music for a living that I would like. Touring and doing shows at night. Studio time in the day. Being successful enough to have a life. I have missed out on a lot having no kids or a wife, still chasing the seemingly unattainable.